


Moonlight

by Clexaprecious



Category: The 100 (TV), clexa - Fandom
Genre: Actress Clarke, Angst, Anxiety, Clarke, Clarke Griffin - Freeform, Clexa, Clexa Week 2018, Day 6, F/F, Famous, Famous Clarke, Fangirl, Lexa is a dork, Moon, Nerdy Lexa, Sad Lexa, lexa - Freeform, lexa is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-03-26 11:13:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13856631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clexaprecious/pseuds/Clexaprecious
Summary: Clarke is a famous celebrity who visits her friend Raven and they order a pizza and Clarke forgets she’s famous for a minute and answers the door and the pizza girl (Lexa) almost has a heart attack.This is for Clexa Week 2018, day 6 - Famous.





	1. Chapter 1

The city was quiet despite the Saturday night, something she wasn’t familiar with. She was familiar with the small town though, it had just been so long since she had been there. She loved the town, always had, but always forgot what it made her feel until she was there. She was reminded that antique stores existed, that there were live theatres other than Broadway. The national historic district made her feel something she could never put into words. Not to forget the soda fountain that Grants Pass had. There was just something about Oregon and the town she grew up in. The smell of the fresh air you rarely found in the city she found herself living in because she was a movie star now, an actress from an unknown town in Oregon. She was used to travel around for months at a time to shoot movies, going new places every so often, but there was just something about coming home.

Going home almost made her forget she was famous, still she was reminded when she got swarmed if she went outside a door, and she had to be discreet about being somewhere as she didn’t have security guards to protect her against any kind of paparazzi in this small town Even though it was a small town, they would be there if they knew about her being there. They wanted to capture every little thing she did, to get some juicy gossip, to get money, to ruin a life. 

So she stayed in her friend’s apartment as much as she could, and when she went out, she tried to do her best to hide her identity. It was a struggle but being her favorite place on earth with her favorite people on earth made it all worth it. So she did her best to enjoy the month off she had due to just wrapping up a third season of the show she was currently on.

“I don’t understand why you want to come here and not being able to even go out and enjoy the town by having to be in disguise to not get mobbed. I could come to your place you know? Where you have your security guards and all” Her friend Raven said after she hung up the phone as she had just ordered pizza for the two of them.

“But it’s freeing not to have guards all around me. And besides that, I like being here, it’s a safe space from the madness the city and my life is sometimes” Clarke said as she made herself comfortable on her friend’s very uncomfortable couch.

“I know, but do you even enjoy having to hide like that here? In your own hometown. Everyone know you, you are our pride, you made us famous, it’s impossible for you to show yourself” Raven said as she sat next to her friend.

“Being here actually makes me forget I’m famous sometimes. Because it’s home, and because I have been here when I wasn’t famous. I like it” Clarke said giving her concerned friend a smile.

“You know I worry about you sometimes? Like I don’t like reading the magazines when they try to make you look bad”

“You don’t have to worry”

“Do you worry?”

“About what?”

“About what people say sometimes?”

“I did, in the start. But I know my worth, I know my family and my closest friends know my worth and that’s all that matters. The rest are just telling lies” Clarke said standing up “now lets get some wine and not talk too much about me. I already made a billion interviews a few weeks ago, all about me” Clarke continued with a chuckle as she made her way to the wine on the kitchen counter and filled up the glasses.

“Well my life is just boring so nothing exciting to tell here”

“How is the mechanic shop going? You get some cars fixing?”

“Pretty well actually, I am considering selling it”

“Doesn’t sound like it’s going ‘pretty well’ if you are considering selling it” Clarke said as she sat next to her friend and took a large sip of her wine.

“I want to go to MIT and make spaceships” Raven said as a matter of fact.

Clarke knew Raven was good with her hands and on top of that she was a genius, a mastermind to say the least. Raven had always been the one to build them things to play with when they were kids. She had an imagination that was beyond this world. Honestly Clarke could write books about this girl and her ideas and her ability to make fantasy into reality, though all she ever got to write was a book about herself. That’s was that the fans wanted and that was what she was giving them. 

“Of course, I should have seen that coming” She said with a smile.

“The money are tight though, so if I work a few years more and sell the shop, then I will be able to do it. That’s the plan”

“Why didn’t I know this? Sell that shop now I will pay the rest”

“Therefore”

“Huh?”

“I didn’t tell because I knew you would want to pay, and I don’t want that. I want to earn it. And I knew you wouldn’t let me not take your offer if I didn’t have a plan to get there, to earn it”

“It doesn’t work like that, you know I still want to pay for it, you just hoped I never asked about your shop to avoid telling me” Clarke smirked taking another sip of her wine.

“Something like that” Raven said smiling. 

“How about you and Anya? Tell me about her, what am I going to expect going to her birthday party this weekend?”

“It’s going pretty well”

“There we have it again, ‘pretty well’”

“Okay, we are good, we are official, I’m happy” Raven said with a blush.

“You sure it’s okay I come? You know, taking all the spotlight”

“They are probably from the same town as Anya, they don’t know you, or at least Anya is making sure no one says a word if they do know you” Raven said “Anya  
didn’t know who you were until I said what show you are on, and she just said her sister had mentioned it before.”

“I hope so” Clarke laughed “I’m excited to meet her, she seems good for you”

“Whatever I have to go to the bathroom” Raven said at she put down her glass of wine and made her way towards the bathroom.

“Right”

“Don’t even” 

Soon after, the doorbell rang, and Clarke knew who it was. It was the pizza. Clarke didn’t think further than that. She didn’t think about who she was, where she was, she let her Stone Age’s brain do her thinking; all she thought about was food. She was starving, had been for an hour. She was more than ready to devour her pizza. 

So, she got up immediately as she heard the bell.

“I’m getting it” She yelled as Raven was still in the bathroom.

“Clarke, no do-“ Raven yelled back in an desperate attempt to stop Clarke. She knew that she just couldn’t answer the door, because what if they recognized the famous actress, what if they got swarmed and the calm was over. Though it was too late as she heard the door open and all left was silence. Finally she got out of the bathroom and went to the front door, only to see a poor girl with eyes as big as teacups, just starring at the blonde girl in front of her.

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

“Hi” Clarke said as she opened the door and saw the pizza girl before her with the pizzas in her arms.

It didn’t take more than a second for the green eyes in front of her to get so wide open, so wide that Clarke was scared that the girl’s eyes would fall out. Suddenly the realization hit her, it hit her what she had 

just done and right after that, Raven appeared next to her.

“You… you’re.. I’m… I…” The wide eyed girl stammered. She still hadn’t moved an inch.

“Fuck” was all Clarke could say. She messed up, because for a minute she forgot she was famous, it was a good minute, it felt so normal, but as soon as she got reminded, she knew she was fucked.

“Well… yeah.. I’m.. fuck” The girl tried again, not getting much out, at least not something that made much sense to herself and the two girls in front of her.

Clarke tried to gain some control, tried to think of a solution. The girl before her looked like she was having an actual heart attack and Clarke couldn’t leave her like that. As much as she just wanted the pizza, she just couldn’t leave the girl like that.

“I’m sorry, fuck, please come in” Clarke said without really considering what she was doing. She didn’t know why she said sorry and who she said it to. Was it to the girl having a heartattack? To her friend who tried to stop Clarke? Or was it to her famous self for fuckin her good time at her hometown up. She didn’t know, but she knew she had to do something, make this girl not utter a word about her being there.

“Do you want some Pizza?” Clarke tried as they made their way inside the apartment. The girl didn’t say a word, she hadn’t even said a complete sentence yet. “Listen, you cannot tell anyone I’m here, okay? I will do anything, an autograph, tickets to a movie premiere, a picture or all of it”

“You’re Clarke Griffin” Was all the girl said as she kept starring at the blonde beauty. 

“You’re a smart cookie, so smart you won’t tell anyone, right?” Clarke tried, raising her brows towards the girl. It wasn’t much of a question it was more like a command. 

“I’m… I don’t know what to say” The girl stammered, her voice shaking. Clarke looked at Raven as if asking for moral support, as if asking her to back her up, just do anything. She got nothing from her friend, her friend was just observing the two girls in front of her and the absurdity of it all.

“Okay” Clarke tried, and soon took the receipt from the pizza girl and found a pen. “So what’s your name?” 

“I.. I’m Le..Lexa” The girl finally mustered.

“Okay, Lexa” Clarke wrote something on the receipt and gave it back to the girl. “Here you have an autogr-“

“You don’t have to, I won’t say anything” Lexa interrupted. 

“You sure?” Clarke said. Both surprised about the girls honesty, but also the girls ability to suddenly form a sentence.

“Yeah” Lexa said, still not over the fact that Clarke Griffin was right in front of her. “I should go, Pizza, needs, delivered” Lexa tried.

“Oh yeah, okay” Clarke said confused, and before she knew it, the girl was out of the door and out in the world. Leaving the two girls in a state of disbelief of the whole situation they found themselves in.

 

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The apartment in the neighbor town was filled with people, cake, music and alcohol. There were people everywhere and Lexa both liked and hated it. She liked Anya’s friends, she liked seeing people happy and celebrating and just enjoying themselves. She loved happiness, though she was often not able to find it for herself, but seeing other happy made her feel good, and she liked to believe that that was enough. Often Lexa found herself both sad and happy at the same time, like that moment, and she was still trying to figure out as to why that was.

The party was like any other party, except it was not as soon as she saw familiar blonde. It was Clarke and her friend Raven, and Lexa felt like her heart was going to fall out of her chest. Mostly because she was Clarke and Lexa had had a crush on her since forever, but also because she had written some pretty explicit smut about Clarke. She had pictured the girl naked in a various amount of positions and then she was delivering her pizza and now she was at her sister birthday party. Soon Lexa put one plus one together and figured that the girl besides Clarke was Raven, the girl her sister was dating. As she met blue eyes she froze, and she wanted to remove her eyes but she couldn’t. She was being held hostage by blue and when the blonde smiled she found herself look away. Not to be rude, not because she didn’t want to look at the girl and smile, but she knew she had to do it.

Lexa looked down and swirled her drink not looking up until she just couldn’t hold herself back anymore and she looked back to where she met blue eyes. She saw Raven and Clarke talk to her sister and decided to go for a refill. Soon after she heard a familiar voice, a voice she had heard so many times, just not in real life, not until a few days ago.

“Hey, what a coincidence” The voice said. Lexa looked up and found blue again.

“Oh, hi, yeah… it’s.. I..” was all Lexa mustered. She was flustered, almost blushing, and all the blonde could do was smile. This was not new to Clarke, she got that reaction sometimes and it was a pleasure to witness every single time.

“Are you always this flustered?” Clarke asked with a smile.

“I am, actually”

“So it has nothing to do with you being a fan? Your sister told me”

“I’m sorry about the other day, I should have been more professional”

“It’s hard when the girl you have had a crush on for five years is standing right in front of you, am I right?” Clarke said with a smirk. All she got from the green eyed girl was wide eyes. “Your sister told”. Lexa didn’t say anything, she just stood there like the day they first met, it was the worst kind of déjà vu. 

“I’m just playing with you. It’s cute”

“I don’t want it to be weird. It feels weird for you to stand here… and know”

“I know”

“Yes, that’s what I said, you know” Lexa said motioning towards Clarke. Lexa was confused and it was showing, and even though Clarke felt sorry for the girl, she also found it incredible adorable.

“You’re cute” Clarke said with a smile and a shake of her head.

“What?” Lexa did hear what she said, she just didn’t believe her own ears sometimes, because sometimes her mind played games with her, told things that were not true, told her lies. Maybe she just wanted to hear those words again, because she had never heard it from a girl, especially not Clarke Griffin.

“I said, you’re cute” Clarke said at little louder and closer to Lexa in an attempt to say it over the slightly loud music. Earning a shy smile from the taller brunette.

 

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The air was fresh and the smell from the woods filled noses as Clarke and Lexa sat outside on the balcony, the party long forgotten. It was just them and the moon. They sat there backs against the balcony door, just taking in the moment and the moon that lit up the space around them.

“The moon is a lesbian” Lexa said as they both just sat there looking at the moon, taking all of it’s glory in, and sent silent appreciations to it as it lit everything up for them. And also because Lexa thought that the moonlight made Clarke look that more pretty, as if that was even possible.

“I didn’t even know the moon had a gender” Clarke said handing a bottle of whiskey to the girl next to her. Lexa took the bottle, took a large sip and felt the burning liquor make it’s way down her throat and right into her blood. She felt it in her blood. Sometimes she had these moments where she felt everything in her, she felt every little vein, every organ every blood cell, and then she had moments when she felt nothing. Her therapist told her it was depression, Lexa just didn’t get it. 

“She has, I talk to her sometimes” Lexa said and soon felt eyes on her.

“Just because you have a ph.d in astronomy doesn’t mean you know the moon is a lesbian or you can talk with it” Clarke said with a chuckle.

“I relate to her”

“How?”

“She goes through phases. She has struggles”

“You are crazy” Clarke joked.

“I had a friend once, she was in love with the moon. She didn’t talk about anything other than the moon. Sometimes it was like she was the moon, and I was in love with the way she could talk about the moon. She talked about the moon like it was the most beautiful thing in the world, that it was the answer for everything”

“And she turned out crazy just like or…?” Clarke still joked.

“She took her own life years ago. I made it my duty to learn everything about the moon and take it with me to the grave, so I can tell her all about what I know about the moon when i meet her again”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-“

“No, it’s okay, it’s been a while. Sometimes i feel like she is there, like she is the moon and I get flashbacks and remember her and sometimes it all makes sense and i can relate” Lexa turned her head towards the girl beside her and gave her a sad smile. She really did try to look like it was not hurting talking about it, talking about her. She wanted to be able to talk about it and not hurt, but she just didn’t know how. She wanted to care for the wounds without ripping them open again. She was trying her best.

“You say you relate to the moon, are you...?” Clarke was scared she had crossed a line, because she had only been talking to this girl for a few hours and now she was being personal.

“I’m not” Lexa said, faster than she wanted to.

“What was her name?” Clarke said. The question made the girl smile, and Clarke was confused. How was this girl sad and happy at the same time?

“Luna” 

“Well, that’s convenient” Clarke smiled back and earned a small nod from Lexa, and soon after that they both looked back to the moon and just sat in silence. 

It was not like she intended to do what happened next, but there was something about the sad and happy girl beside her and the moonlight on her slightly tan skin, the way it made eyes even greener than they actually were, that made her do it. She kissed her, she took the girls cheeks in her hands, she stared at lips and at a question Lexa never got to ask. Clarke didn’t know you could hold moonlight in your own hands until this very moment.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A second chapter has been requested, so here it is. I hope you all are happy with it.

The last 2 months had been unexpected and stressful. She had just been in her hometown for a few weeks when her manager called and told she got good news. She told her she got an offer she just couldn’t say no to, and just like that she left the hometown for 2 months only to come back. Truth be told, she could have said no, she could have stayed, and figure out what exactly it all meant. Though, she didn’t, she just needed to get away for good reason. Yet again after two months she found herself in the familiar apartment that were her friend’s, and she had to be faced with her actions last time she was there. She had to be faced with the reason why she found it even more reasonable to leave for a couple of months.

“So you kissed her that night and just left for 2 months without a word?” Raven asked confused, annoyed even.

“I guess” Clarke replied, not feeling like being confronted with the kiss.

They had just returned from the airport where she got picked up, and the car ride had been all Lexa and Anya and more Lexa, and it made Clarke even more anxious and she felt more and more guilty for what she had done. She had a good reason to feel bad, because she had been in a situation like Lexa was in herself a few years ago, and she knew some people’s opinions on people like her, celebrities, and their tendencies for not giving a flying fuck about others feeling as they are too caught up in themselves. Clarke never thought she was like that, but Raven proved her wrong in this situation, and she hated how right Raven was.

“How do you feel about going to the party tonight knowing she will be there?”

“I don’t know”

“Why are you avoiding it?”

“Honestly? I don’t know why it happened” Clarke tried. “Well, I do know why. She is like this mixture between sad and happy, like she is a mystery, and I don’t understand any of it. She is like a walking contradiction, and I am attracted to this mystery, and that makes me feel weird and not right.”

“She is pretty”

“It’s not that. She is, but how fucked up is it to be attracted to a sad person? It’s not like I’m going to save her”

“I know you, I have for 20 years now, and I know that you like to save people. That’s just not how it should be. I know you do charity, a lot of that, which is a healthy way of satisfying that need you have to save others. But this? This is not healthy.” Raven just stood there, in her living room and observed her best friend trying to understand her feelings. Clarke had always been the kind of person who wanted to save everyone.

“She told me things, things about her life that I can’t unhear and it broke my heart, and I kissed her because that felt right in that moment, and I just think that that made her even sadder, and how can I possibly live with that?” Clarke asked with furrowed brows as she stood up and tried to gather herself up.

“So you thought that kissing her would make her feel better?” 

“It didn’t”

“Lexa asked about you”

“She did?” 

“As soon as she asked, I knew something had happened. I don’t know a lot about Lexa, I only know what Anya has told me, and she is so smart and so genuine, and I just want you to be careful”. Raven said, and Clarke immediately picked up on the concern in her friends voice and words.

“I am”

“I hope”

 

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When it came to Oregon and the weather, it was always pleasant during a late summer night. You felt the light breeze from the coast somewhere, but you knew that it carried the quiet and steadiness from the tress surrounding the small town. Clarke never grew tired of the vibes she got from the old town somewhere in Oregon, it was somewhat calming despite her situation.

“So, what am I going to say to her?” Clarke asked as they made their way down a familiar street, and music started to reach their ears.

“Huh?” Raven answered, distracted by the sight of the building they were going to.

“To Lexa. Am I just going to say why I left?”

“She already knows”

“I know, and that makes it even harder”

“Listen, Clarke” Raven stopped in the middle of the street, waiting for her friend to do the same. They were so close to the party, and she knew that this conversation was now or never, because in that building just 100 meters away, shit was going to go down, and there would be no turning back. “You are just going to tell her how you feel. No matter what, you have to be honest, Lexa deserves that”

“But what if I don’t know what I feel” Clarke said, earning a chuckle from her friend.

“Clarke, don’t be dramatic, you have met her once—” Raven said, though she was interrupted immediately. 

“Two times, actually, two times”

“Does it make any difference?”

“It does, because this means I have seen her eyes more than once, and I can’t look in those green eyes and tell the truth”

“And truth is?”

“That I have not been able to not think about her, and it scared me because I have only met her twice, and I have never felt like this, and I don’t know what I’m doing, and she is so sad and happy, and I can’t stop thinking about how I have ruined this”

“You can fix it” Raven said, “You know, I am already dating a Woods, they are quite the challenge, but damn are they worth it?”

“I wouldn’t know”

“But you want to find out, right? Raven asked with a smirk that made Clarke cringe and she decided that it was time to approach the situation she started, so she made her way to the party. Moments later Raven followed track and they soon found themselves at the entrance and then the building and Clarke felt like her heart was about to jump out of her chest when she saw Lexa, and even more when she saw Lexa with her arm around some girl she had never seen before. Clarke stopped, just starring and was ready to leave, ready to abort mission and go everywhere but this place.

“Who is that girl with Lexa?” Clarke asked Raven who hadn’t even noticed Lexa and the girl, she was only searching for her girlfriend somewhere in the crowd.

“That blonde girl? She kind of looks like you, maybe an alternative universe edition of you, where you actually date Lexa?” Raven said, joking, though Clarke was having none of Raven’s joking in that moment.

“It’s not funny Raven” Clarke answered all too serious for Raven’s liking. Raven gave up her search for her girlfriend and decided to ease her friends mind.

“Well, lets find out then” Raven said as she dragged Clarke towards Lexa and the unfamiliar blonde girl.

“Raven- no.. let’s not-“ Clarke tried, but with no luck, as Raven had always made a decision, and her blue eyes met green and Clarke knew then, that there was no turning back. It was awkward, but Lexa tried not to make it, as she tried to make herself appear happy to see the two girls.

“Oh, hi!” Lexa said, removing her arm from the smaller blonde beside her.

“Hi Lexa, we were just wondering who the lovely lady by your side might be” Raven said cheerily, trying not to make it more uncomfortable as it already was, trying not to make the whole situation obvious. It was clear to see that Lexa tried to avoid too much eye contact with Clarke. Lexa was aware of the power that Clarke had over her, and she was not ready to let her guards down and be fooled again, to be left for 2 months.

“Oh, yeah sorry, this is Costia. Costia this is Raven my sister’s girlfriend, and this is Clarke…” It was as if Lexa wanted to say it, say what relation her and Clarke had. But what exactly was their relation? What was she going to say, because she herself was not prepared for this situation. She had both feared and hoped for Clarke’s appearance. “… she is Raven’s friend” Was all Lexa could muster, and Clarke was not satisfied with only being Raven’s friend, but she took it in that moment and was ready to leave already. Before they could say more, they were interrupted by Anya and they all felt more relieved than anything else.

 

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The party was still going strong and the music only got worse and worse, and Clarke really tried to enjoy herself for the sake of her best friend, but truth be told, she couldn’t stop her occasional glances towards Lexa and Costia and she cursed herself for being like that.

“Raven, could we like leave now? I’m not feeling well”

“What are you talking about?”

“The tequila”

“Tequila never stopped you before, why now?”

“You know why”

“Listen, Clarke, don’t fuckin pity yourself now okay? You had every fuckin chance to be in contact with Lexa, to stay, but you didn’t. It was your choice, so you have to live with it, and if you can’t have a good night with her presence then you have some real good thinking to do, and you are not being fair” Raven said with the most serious attitude Clarke had seen in a long time. Clarke knew that every single one of Raven’s words were true, and she was not one to back out now. But she did, she backed out to the balcony where the kiss had happened 2 months prior, with a drink in her hand. She stared at the same stars and same moon as the night 2 months ago. She dreamed back to that very moment where her only dilemma was whether or not to kiss the happy girl beside her who had the saddest story about the moon. Clarke just sat there for a good 15 minutes before her stargazing was interrupted.

“The moon is a lesbian, but I guess this has already been said” Clarke heard a familiar voice behind her. The voice was getting closer and closer until it was almost beside her, but not quite. It was right there in the balcony doorstep. “Not sure if you recall such things?”. Clarke smiled a bit for herself, still not looking at the source of the voice behind her. She already knew the consequences of looking at the voice’s owner.

“How long have you and Costia been seeing each other?” Clarke turned herself around, facing the tall and lanky figure in the door. 

“You kissed me and then left for 2 months” Lexa said.

“That’s not what I asked”

“You just left and told nothing, I knew nothing, how was I supposed to know what this meant? What was I supposed to do? Wait for someone maybe coming back, who maybe wanted to continue whatever this was”

“Was?” Clarke was surprised that Lexa had thought that maybe what happened meant something, but then she reminded herself about what she knew about Lexa. She knew Lexa was special, that she saw things in a different light, and that maybe she was a hopeless romantic and that maybe Lexa just knew things that no one else did. Maybe that was what the sadness in her provided her. Clarke felt mad at herself for a moment, because she was starting to romanticize and idealize this sadness. 

“Clarke…”

“No, honestly, how long? You deserve it”

“I haven’t been able to not think about you”

“How long?”

“She looks like you, but she is nothing like you, that night we talked? I have never opened up like that to her. It only took one night, and I knew it was something good”

“Lexa”

“7 months”

“Huh?”

“I have been seeing her for 7 months”

“But... you kissed me 2 months ago” Clarke said in disbelief of the new info, that she had not expected.

“You kissed me”

“You kissed me back”

“I stopped dating her the day after that kiss. I thought that maybe this was something, but then you left, and I thought maybe it was not what I hoped, so I got back with her. We have never been official”

“What did you hope?”

“I don’t know”

“Okay” Clarke said disappointed.

They just stood there in silence, and Lexa hated it, because silence was so violent to her. Her thoughts could run free and it took up all of her. Her thoughts took control and she hated them, so she decided to break the silence the best she could.

“I have Whiskey”

“Okay”

“I’m offering you whiskey, if you haven’t already noticed” Lexa handed Clarke the whiskey bottle, only to get it back a second later.

“I’m not feeling well, the tequila” Clarke lied.

“That’s the only reason you are not feeling well? You didn’t expect this right? You thought that you could just leave and I was waiting for you to come back? Your famous ass is probably used to everyone wanting you.” Lexa said annoyed, and she usually wasn’t like this. She never blamed anyone but herself, but she was silently blaming herself in this moment, because she had been waiting for Clarke, she wanted her to come back and she was seeing Costia, and it’s not supposed to be like this.

“Lexa… I’m not like that” Clarke tried, and it was true, partly. She did hope and wish that Lexa would have waited for her, that she was worth something more and different than what her net worth told, and she knew that was selfish of her, but truth be told, she was selfish. What was not true, was that she was used to everyone wanting her, that didn’t happen for her, that was why she wanted Lexa to want her.

“I just want to believe you felt it too, and that it hurts to see me with her, and I know it does, otherwise you wouldn’t be sitting here alone, I’m fucked up, and I want to get out of here, because I can’t bear the weight of it all in this small apartment” Lexa said, and she didn’t know why she said all that, where it came from. 

“What about Costia?” Clarke asked confused. She was not used to seeing this Lexa, because Lexa was always shy and quiet, and suddenly she was dominant, demanding, wanting. Clarke didn’t know whether or not she liked this Lexa, though all she knew was that she wanted Lexa and she wanted to get out of here, so she was thankful for the unexpected gesture. 

“I don’t care, I want to get away, with you, show me something, you grew up here” She was drunk, very drunk, and she was not sure if Clarke even noticed that. She let Clarke think she had that little control, and yet she felt so small and it was hard for her to understand.

“You are drunk” She did notice.

“I don’t care anymore, I take what I want now, I’m greedy”

“You are different now” Clarke said, not moving an inch as Lexa made her way outside the room.

“Do I scare you?” Lexa felt the concern in the blonde’s voice.

“I care for you”

“I’m a sad person” Lexa said, and just like that they stayed silent, because Clarke already knew this fact, and she didn’t know what to say, but they made their way outside and away without anyone noticing. They knew that someone would look for them in some time, but right now that was the last thing they were concerned about

 

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“So this is where you used to go when having a hard time as a kid?” Lexa asked as she sat with the blonde girl beside and looked out on the forest beneath them. The smell from the small dirt filled cliff they sat on was earthy, and she felt oddly calm looking out upon the world before them.

“Yeah, you can see both the tress and the stars and it’s right in front of you, right in eesight, and it makes me feel so small, and I have had moments where I needed to remind myself how small we all are, and how everything we do doesn’t matter as much as we think sometimes”. Clarke looked at the brunette beside her, and she felt even more small, so she just smiled and earned a smile she hadn’t seen in a long time. There was a comfortable silence between them for a second.

“When you left, I started to feel myself getting bad again, for multiple reasons, that’s why I took Costia back, I’m naive and stupid, I get hurt easily, I’m weak, my head is fucked up.” Lexa confessed not looking at the girl beside her. It was too much to confess and then see a reaction.

“Lexa I’m..” Lexa felt eyes on her, but she kept her eyes trained on the view before her. That view didn’t blame her, it didn’t think any less of her for being fucked up, it was just there, as long as the human race let it.

“I got really bad, and I did what I always had done to get better, I keep myself busy. I kept myself busy by going back to Costia, I study even though I have a ph.d, and I work two jobs. If I have nothing to do, if I lose something, I get bad because I have too much time to think, and that is what will kill me, that’s what killed Luna.” Lexa said, struggling not to stutter, struggling for her voice not to crack. “And I don’t want you to be another distraction to get better, because honestly, you were a part of the whole getting bad thing, and I hate to break it to you, but I can’t get with you and lose you. My heart can’t bear that, I’m too weak” Lexa confessed and finally looked at Clarke. She immediately regretted that, because Clarke was so beautiful and had this soft understanding yet hurt expression. It reminded her about the night they kissed and the reminder of that night was so toxic that she had to look away again in order not to sink into whatever this was.

“I’m not going to leave you Lexa. This is something” Clarke said.

“You don’t know that”

“I do”

“You already left me once”

“And I have regretted that ever since.” Clarke confessed. Lexa needed to hear that, but she was so scared of Clarke and her own thoughts. “Listen, I can’t predict the future, and maybe this is a mistake, maybe we have to wait, but I want to see what this is. But it scares me, because I would never want to hurt you, and I have already done that, and that makes me want to never do such thing again”

The moon had never been smaller and yet so clear in the entire time Lexa had tried to understand the wonder that the moon is. The moon answered her silent questions and she couldn’t let Clarke go. This time it was Lexa who leaned in, who captured lips with her own, who felt Clarke kiss back and she felt a tear leave her eyes and it was all too intimate, but so perfect, and she thought to herself how a girl, whom she had thought she had known for so long, who she had had a crush on for so long, was nothing like she could have ever imagined. How someone she found out she barely knew, even though she thought she knew everything about, could make her believe in such a thing as soulmates? She knew Luna and the moon was soulmates, but that was an entire different story, but it all made sense. She thought knowing someone’s birthday, favorite food and having watched every single interview with them meant knowing their entire being. But spend a night or two with that person and you discover a whole new world and dimension of who that person really is.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, i decided to write another chapter. Both because i really like this story, but also because I have got so much positive feedback from it. So here we go, another chapter, and I am pretty certain i might write another chapter. I kind of have an idea of how i want this story to go, but if any of you have suggestions, then I'm open for those as well.  
> This chapter actually contains a suggestion from a reader, so thank you!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter and story so far, I'm always happy to read your comments, so keep them comming! :)

The city was loud and busy, filled with cars and people and more cars. It was a kind of busy she wasn’t used to back home in Oregon. The smells where different, almost chemical, from all the cars and buildings and everything in between. She was never going to get used to the summer in LA. It became somewhat as hot in Oregon, but it was different. Because in Oregon she could go for a swim in the cool lake or find shelter in the woods. In LA? You couldn’t find such. The closest she could get to a cool swim was in the ocean, from a beach filled with hundreds of other people who needed to cool off as well. And the thoughts of sharks in the ocean had her far away from the shore. All in all, she missed Oregon, but she didn’t want to miss Clarke.

That was why she moved with Clarke to LA a few months after their night under the moon. This was Clarke’s city now, she had her career here, people needed her, and she was going to make it hers too. 

“I will never be able to figure this huge house out” Lexa said as she entered the kitchen and saw her girlfriend in the midst of making coffee. “I could get lost any minute. What if like I get lost in here for real and you never find me?” 

Clarke laughed. “Don’t be so dramatic, sunshine, drink some coffee, it will do you good. And you have lived here for 2 years”

“But like think about it, this place is huge” Lexa said as she poured herself a cup of coffee while looking around the enormous house. Lexa had never seen something that huge, and never imagined anyone could live in something that huge. She never thought that anyone would ever be able to make a palace like this feel like home. Though somehow it was Clarke’s home and Lexa was really trying to make it hers too. Lexa was a small-town girl, and she liked it like that. She knew where to get good coffee, she knew where to buy a good book. But this town? It was pure madness, but she managed, because of Clarke.

“You better get used to it, I’m planning on keeping you around for a long time” Clarke said as she took a few steps closer to Lexa, only to place her hands on her chest, feeling her heartbeat, feeling her breathe. “I can’t believe I U-hauled you after a few months”.

“I know. How lesbian of you” Lexa said with a huge cocky smile as she looked at her girlfriend. She still had a hard time believing she had scored Clarke Griffin. For so long she had had a crush on this girl, she had imagined a life with her, daydreamed every single night, and now she was living it, and she was scared. Because what if she had daydreamed too much about it, too much that it would never be like she imagined? She tried not to think too much, but she was scared, so scared of losing her. Her thoughts had always been her enemy, and as much as Clarke put her thoughts at rest, Clarke also caused a lot of thoughts. She had wanted Clarke for so long, and wanting something as beautiful as Clarke was scary, because how do you suddenly get used to having someone you have always cared so much about. It called for the biggest heartbreak of her lifetime, but she did not want to think about all the scary parts.

“Yeah, that was pretty lesbian of me” Clarke said as she leaned in and kissed Lexa tenderly. “I actually have something to tell you” Clarke said as she pulled away, biting her lip. Lexa knew this look, she knew something was up, and that Lexa probably wouldn’t like it.

“Do tell” Lexa said as she tried to hide her concern by taking a sip of her scolding hot coffee, trying not to flinch at the stinging feeling on her tongue and lips. The stinging hit her chest as soon as Clarke answered.

“I got a role, in Paris” Clarke said, looking away. “It’s a great opportunity, it’s a great movie, great director. If I wanted I could have it on the spot” Clarke said before she paused. “so I took it”.

Lexa didn’t know what to say, but she only knew what this meant. Ever since she moved to LA with Clarke 2 years ago, it had been back and forth with Clarkes work. She got a lot of offers and had a habit of choosing the ones where she had to be far away for months at times where Lexa wasn’t able to see her as often as she wanted. Because Lexa got a professor job at the university where she could teach young people everything she knew about the moon. Kind of also a way to make Luna proud.

“So you said yes without telling me first? How long is this trip? And when?” Lexa asked confused.

“When I got the offer I had to say yes or no on the spot” Clarke tried to explain, though Lexa wasn’t pleased.

“But if they wanted you so badly, don’t you think they would be able to understand that you had to talk it through with your partner? It’s Paris, not just another state.” Lexa said. She had always adored and respected Clarke and her love for her job. She was her biggest fan after all. She knew what Clarke’s job meant, and the sacrifices that sometimes had to be made. Clarke hadn’t been used to thinking about others than herself, so situations like this had been very new and intimidating to her.

“Lexa…” Clarke tried. 

“When and how long?”

“I will be away this fall, but I will be home for Christmas” 

“So how long?”

“In total? About 5 months” 

“5 MONTHS?” Lexa raised her voice without meaning to, she was chocked. “How can in take 5 months to film a movie?”

“Lexa, I’m sorry, I just couldn’t say no to this one” Clarke said. “It’s a big one, and all the table readings and fittings take place in Paris”.

“So you said with the last one. What’s wrong with America? What’s wrong with making movies here in LA?” Lexa explained. “In the time we have been together, you have been away 3 times, that’s 2 movies and 1 tv series season” 

“Lexa you know this is my job, they promised I would be able to be home for Christmas, we will only have to be away from each other for about 3 and a half month before I can get home”

“Yes I do, and I respect that, I respect your job. But I would have wanted to discuss this, it’s so sudden.” Lexa paused as she just took in what Clarke had said. “So you are already leaving this September?”

“I know you respect my job, and yes I am, I’m so sorry Lexa, it was a mistake of me not to talk with you. I don’t want to fight over this” Clarke said as she walked towards Lexa and put her hands on each cheek to look right into Lexa’s eyes. She saw the concern, and she never wanted to make Lexa feel like that.

“Listen if you really don’t want me to go, then I won’t, I will figure it out” Clarke said as she took a deep breath.

“Clarke…”

“No I’m serious. I’m listening to you, and if you don’t want this, then I don’t. We are two in this, okay?”

“I don’t want you to give it up just because I’m weak and gets too attached. I just wanted to have more time to discuss this, and figure out how to make it work”

“Lexa, we will make it work, we always do” Clarke said as she leaned in and captured Lexa’s lips with hers. She soon felt hands on her hips, and she was ready to melt right there on the spot. Lexa was her weakness, and she hated that she had to go away to shoot a movie, but this was her job, and she loved it. She had grown accustomed to travelling and filming and experiencing new places, and that was a part of her and a part of the partner deal with Clarke. 

“I know, we will make this work” Lexa said.

“Of course we will. I hope you know how proud I am of you"

“You are so beautiful. Who would have thought years ago that the girl I had had a crush on and was fangirling about would be my girlfriend? Like I have written fanfics about you” Lexa said and suddenly being aware of what she had just said.

“Wait, fanfics?” Clarke asked furrowing her eyebrows. “You never told me about that?”

“fuck”

“Lexa tell me about it” Clarke was surprised and couldn’t help herself from smiling as she saw her girlfriends face of horror, as she just realized what she had said.

“No no, It’s nothing, I was just word vomiting” Lexa tried to save herself, but it was too late.

“You were totally not. I know you too well to know you totally could have written fanfics about me” Clarke was enjoying this a little too much. She loved seeing her girlfriend like this, and she was going to ask her about it until she showed her the fanfics. She would not go down without a fight.

“Well, okay yes, I have written some fanfics”

“About me?” Clarke questioned, just because she wanted Lexa to say it.

“Yes, about you”

“Only me?”

No, I mean, yes, but like a “your name” fanfic, so people can imagine them with you, if that makes sense?” Lexa explained. “And god I can’t believe I am telling you this right now”.

“Explicit ones even?” Clarke asked, not stopping her smiling.

“I feel like I’m testifying in the court, stop it!” Lexa tried. She tried to avoid Clarke’s questions. She was embarrassed about what she had written, because she was such a horny teenager. Though Clarke was not going to stop the questions, and she thought about ending her sufferings and just get it over with and show Clarke the fics. Though the embarrassment got the best of her.

“No, seriously Lexa. You can’t tell me you have written fics about me and not tell me about them”

Lexa just took a big sip of her coffee and tried to avoid Clarkes eyes. Though her eyes kept finding blue, and she could not resist it, so she told her, she told her and knew she would have to show her, and that part was the worst.

“Yes, explicit ones” Lexa confessed. She slammed her eyes shut as if she expected some sort of reaction, as if she expected to get in the face, because in that moment, that was how she felt. She was red in her face of embarrassedment, and hoped that if she closed her eyes and made a wish, it would all be over when she opened them again. Though that wish was a shout into the void and she opened her eyes to Clarke right in front of her with the biggest shit eating grin Lexa had ever witnessed, and she was about to dig herself a big hole to just disappear. 

“So you imagined having sex with me before having sex with me?”

“Plenty of times” Lexa replied, almost a whisper. When Lexa imagined ever telling Clarke about the fics, it would have been a lot different. She would have acted different, she would have been more cocky, smug even. Lexa just didn’t have it in her at that moment. Clarke had never seen Lexa this embarrassed.

“This is so funny, I have to read them, Lexa”

“Please, Clarke, don’t do this to me”

Lexa’s begging did her no good, she had already lost, and she damned herself for telling Clarke. It was meant to be her secret, and something Clarke should have never known anything about. But there she found herself in a situation where she had no choice but to show Clarke her fanfics. She knew Clarke would never let her be when knowing Lexa had written stuff about her.

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The big house in Hollywood was filled with people. Clarke had these traditions where she would throw a big get together before heading off to shoot a movie or whatever she was doing. It was a part of herself getting ready to leave. She needed to charge herself for the long time she was going to be away. She needed to know people were there, and that she was there even when she was going to be so far away.

Lexa on the other hand sometimes just wanted a quiet day before Clarke leaving. She needed to charge herself as well. She knew that if there would be all these people and when they left and then Clarke left, it would all feel so much quieter. She never told Clarke though, because she knew this was Clarke’s tradition and she knew Clarke needed it. It was times like this that Lexa realized how different they were, because Lexa hated parties, she hated too many people in one spot, and Clarke she lived for it. She lived for people watching her and being around her. She liked loud and fast and everything that Lexa had to take an extra deep breath to survive. Though Lexa managed and that was all that mattered.

“So how’s Boston?” She asked her sister as she sipped a beer outside where there were the quietest without her being absent from the party. From here she could also see the moon and that made her calm.

“It’s different than Oregon. But not LA different, if you know what I mean?” Anya replied.

“Yeah. LA is something different”

“We are considering settling in Boston” Anya said. Lexa and Anya had never been far from each other. They had always been no more than a 20 minutes drive away from each other so Lexa moving to LA and Anya moving to the east coast had been new. Anya tended to get worried about her little sister. She was always the one to be there with Lexa during isolation, anxiety and bad thoughts before Clarke came into her life. Anya still tried to be there for Lexa as much she could when it came to her mental illness, but she wasn’t often around, so Clarke had taken that role. She knew how fragile Lexa could be, and how big changes like this could overwhelm her and bring out the worst of Lexa. Even though Lexa had been doing better that expected, she was still worried to break the news about her and Raven staying in Boston and settling. It was supposed to be temporary. Raven just had to finish her education at MIT, and they would be back in Oregon. Though Oregon had not much to offer for Raven, and this was Raven’s dream after all.

“Oh, really? Why?” Lexa tried not to show the tinge of sadness she felt in her chest. 

“She already got a job offer, and she has not even graduated yet. She actually got plenty offers in Boston and Massachusetts state. She is attractive on the market, and this is what she really wants.”

“Is it what you want?” Lexa asked as she looked at her sister. They were sitting on a bench in the endless garden, only lit by a few lights and the moon.

“I mean, I don’t know. I guess I want what she wants.” Anya tried. “I will visit”.

“I know”

“Lexa”

“No, honestly, it’s great. You have found the love of your life, of course you want to do what feels right for her and you, and do what she wants, and also want that” Lexa replied. And she was being honest, because she understood her sister. She had Clarke, and she would do anything for Clarke as well, if she wanted it. “Look at me, I’m letting my girlfriend leave for months and go to Paris for the first time without me? That’s just as crazy” Lexa gave her sister a genuine smile.

“They really got us, huh?”

“Why are we like this?”

“We are so easy”

“I really wanted to take her to Paris. I actually thought about it for a long time. Kind of had a plan for when the time was right. That’s probably also one of the reasons why it has been so hard for me to accept her leaving.” Lexa said as she leaned back and took a good look at the moon, while taking a large sip of her beer, almost emptying it.

“What plans? Like proposing or something?” Anya joked as she sipped her wine and smiled at her sister.

“Yeah”

“Really?”

“Imagine how amazing that would be” 

“I never imagined you as a romantic kind of girl” Anya furrowed her eyebrows.

“Call me a hopeless romantic, that’s just what I am” Lexa said as she took a deep breath. “A hopeless romantic in love with the dreamiest girl I could have imagined. And here I am complaining about her going to Paris, and living her best life. The city of love.”

“You know, you could still take her to Paris even though she has been there. I’m sure it will be different for her with you there. Don’t give up on those plans, Lexa”

“I think I need a new beer” And just like that she stood up and walked inside. She was a bit tipsy and was probably going to regret telling her sister about her plans. Though at that moment she could not make herself care about it.

 

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The house was quiet after a long day with friends and family and everything in between. There had been music, good food, cold beers and many goodbyes. It was the day before Clarke was going to Paris to shoot the movie of her life. She had never been surer about a movie being her true call, and she was both happy and sad that she was about to leave everything at home. She was especially sad to leave Lexa. She knew Lexa would have their friends while she was gone, they had done this before, though not for so long without seeing each other. She was used to Lexa visiting her on set, with Lexa being her escape from the busy set. They would escape, find somewhere and be just them and the moon. Just like the nights they had had under the moon before they even knew who each other were. It was pleasant, it was how she survived the set life. She was scared as well. She was scared about not having this escape, and about Lexa being alone for so long. Throughout their relationship, Clarke had seen it all. She saw all the ugly and the beautiful about Lexa. Lexa was both sad and happy, and she learned that early on. She experienced Lexa’s anxiety attacks and her sudden change of moods. To times Lexa was a puzzle that Clarke had yet to solve, but all the beauty and goodness in Lexa outweighed all the bad and she was so scared that Lexa wouldn’t be able to handle being alone. Once she had called Clarke during a scene she was shooting in Mexico, where Lexa was having an anxiety attack and Clarke was so scared of not being there if it was to happen while she was in Paris. Lexa had told stories about Luna, and she whenever Lexa talked about Luna it was like Lexa was talking about herself, because Clarke saw everything she told about Luna in Lexa, and she was scared about Lexa ending in the same tragedy as Luna. Maybe it was stupid to think like that, because Lexa had never expressed such thoughts. She tried not to think about it, and they did not talk about it.

“It’s so quiet. It’s going to be so quiet when you are away” Lexa said as she took a deep breath, laying on the couch. She was taking it all in, all the people they had over and suddenly they were gone, and soon Clarke was gone as well. She was scared about the quietness taking over her, because to her quiet could sometimes be violent, because that meant her thoughts could take control. She would not want to put Clarke through her mental illness while being in Paris. It wouldn’t be fair.

“So you are saying I am loud?” Clarke said with a smirk as she laid next to Lexa and nuzzled herself closer to the taller girl.

“I mean… Sometimes” Lexa said as she wrapped herself around the smaller girl and ran her hand through her hair.

“Well that was also what you predicted in the fanfics if I recall”

“Can you not comment on my fanfics all the time? We made a deal. You could read them but never mention them”

“And you really thought that I would be able to keep my mouth shut? Lexa, sometimes you are so naive and cute. You should know I would not be able to not comment on them.”

“I learn something new about you all the time”

“So do I” Clarke said as she lifted Lexa’s shirt slightly to feel the warm skin there. She felt Lexa flinch at the sudden cold hand on her side, but she soon relaxed to the touch.

“What do you mean?”

“I read one of your fics”

“Okay?” Lexa was confused. “You read a lot of them”

“Yeah, but this one had a strap-on included”

“No way, I thought I had deleted that one” Lexa said as she froze. This was not what she needed right now.

“Lexa it’s okay. It was kind of hot. I totally got myself off to it imagining you with the strap-on” Clarke said as she kissed Lexa tenderly on her neck only to earn a grunt from Lexa. Lexa knew this move. Clarke did this thing where she would embarrass Lexa, and then seduce her only to distract her. “When I get home, we are totally trying it out”.

“The strap on?” Lexa said as she cocked her head.

“Yeah, and like” Clarke said as she ran her hand higher and brushed her hand over a bare breast under Lexa’s shirt. “Maybe we could recreate your fanfiction”.

“Clarke…” Lexa said as she felt hands go south this time, and soon she felt a hand down her pants.

“Lexa…”

“Isn’t that weird? Like with the fanfic?”

“Maybe. We can also just do the strap on, without recreating. Do our own thing” Clarke replied as she entered Lexa and soon they forgot all about the fact that Clarke was leaving tomorrow for a long time. Everything that filled their minds was each other and they just wanted to stay in that moment forever. There were no pain, no longing, just love mixed with pleasure.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there you have another chapter, I'm pretty certain I will be writing another chapter and maybe more depending on how this story turns out. I already have an idea of what I want to write, but please comment sugestions if you have any.
> 
> Thank you for reading, and let me know what you think in the comments.

The morning was torturous and too quiet for Lexa. She was sitting in their bed observing Clarke, who was in the midst of packing the last things she needed for her time in Paris. She wasn’t particularly thinking about anything, she was just existing. Just like she was going to do while Clarke was away. As she sat there she didn’t know what to make of the whole situation. She had tried not to think too much about Clarke leaving, and that had worked, she hadn’t had an anxiety attack since Clarke got the script for the movie and it all became too real for Lexa. Today was an unavoidable day. It was the day that Clarke was leaving. She had offered to drive Clarke to the airport. She wanted to see Clarke as much she could before she was gone.

“I wish I could have taken you out on a proper date before you leaving. I don’t know when our next date is going to be” Lexa said, still observing her distracted girlfriend.

“You are too sweet” Clarke replied, taking a second to stop and look at the girl in their bed. Clarke thought that Lexa had never looked this small. The only thing covering Lexa’s naked body was the duvet. Lexa was not going to change and clean the bedding while Clarke was away. She needed to be able to smell Clarke. She didn’t tell that to Clarke, because Clarke would probably say something about Lexa being a dork and unhygienic, and Lexa knew that Clarke was probably right. That would also remind her about how she sometimes copes with things in bad ways. Though this time, she promised herself not to let alcohol be the answer for her thughts, she really did want to prove to Clarke that she wasn’t as weak as she sometimes made herself believe she was. She wanted to have a victory and tell Clarke all the things she did while she was away and how well she was doing. Though she didn’t have the biggest expectations for her abilities and that was often where she failed.

“But yesterday was great too”

“You didn’t enjoy all the people, right? ”

“I enjoyed seeing my sister, did you know they are considering settling in Boston? Life goes fast for some, huh?”

“Yeah, Raven told me. To me it sounded like they were more than sure that they were settling”

“Anya just told me they were considering”

“Oh, well Raven said they already put money into their apartment, they want to stay at that place”

“I’ll call Anya today” Lexa said and Clarke knew that Lexa wasn’t happy about Anya not telling the full truth.

“Don’t make a scene, okay? Be good. She was probably just trying to protect you. There is a lot of things happening right now, that I know you don’t like”

“Protecting me?” Lexa said annoyed, furrowing her brows. “She is not protecting me by lying, I’m not that weak…” Lexa said as she leaned back on the bed. “Am I?” Lexa questioned as she frowned and looked at Clarke. She didn’t know whether she asked herself or Clarke that question.

“Lexa, that’s not what I meant, you are not weak, don’t ever let anyone tell you that, especially not yourself. Protection doesn’t equal weakness.” Clarke said as she gave up finding whatever make up she was looking for and sat herself on their bed next to Lexa. She put her hand on Lexa’s covered knee as if to tell Lexa that she was right there. “Remember what we talked about with your thoughts?”

“Yes” Was all Lexa replied as she looked into Clarkes eyes.

“What did we talk about?” Clarke wanted to hear Lexa say it, as if to make sure that Lexa would remember it, as if it was going to save Lexa, and it was okay for her to leave for Paris.

“Thoughts are just thoughts. You can imagine anything, but it’s not always real, just like my thoughts.” Lexa replied.

“You are going to be alright”

“But what if my thoughts are real?”

“Lexa, you need to understand that sometimes thoughts are real and sometimes they are not. I know that it’s hard to distinguish them. I know I’m harsh sometimes when it comes to your thoughts, and I don’t want to be harsh, but I have to, I have learned that”

“I don’t know what I would do without you”

“You did probably be insane” Clarke joked as she looked lovingly at Lexa.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do while you are away”

“You know I’m only a call away if you need me, so is Anya, and you have our friends here in LA”

“But the time difference” Lexa said concerned. Clarke just gave Lexa a small smile as she leaned in and gave Lexa a long tender kiss, before she pulled away and took Lexa’s hands into her own and squeezed them.

“I will be available any time of the night and day, I will have my phone on sound”

“Thank you” Was all Lexa said before Clarke went back to her task at hand, and it was all chaos again and Clarke just wanted to get on the flight and get home again to Lexa as soon as possible.

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Clarke took as much of the city in as possible when they drove to the airport. She wasn’t going to be in the city that had been her home for many years for 4 months. She wasn’t going to be back before Christmas, so she just wanted the last few glimpses of the City and the early morning bustle. She wanted the last look at the palm trees and the warm Californian sun. Paris would be very different, and she wanted to remember this city.

“Should I have made a map of our house, just in case that you get lost?”

“Ha ha ha ha, you are so funny I almost forgot to laugh” Lexa replied as she gave the girl beside her a smirk. Clarke just let Lexa have her moment.

“You are a dork”

“Maybe”

“You didn’t have to drive me to the airport, I have people for that, you know?”

“Yes, I’m that people”

“You know what I mean”

“I wanted to drive you. I wanted to feel that bit of normal in all this madness. It’s normal to drive your girlfriend to the airport when she is going to be away for so long. I wouldn’t want anyone else doing that”

“But you have students to teach”

“They can wait” Lexa said, and soon after she felt a kiss on her cheek. It was moments like these that Lexa lived for, that they both lived for. These little moments of love and goodness all for them to steal and hold on to for as long as they could. Sometimes they just wanted to feel normal, and this moment was that kind of normal that fueled them.

As they reached the airport, that little sense of normal started to disappear. Not only because Clarke was about to leave the car and be away for months, but also because Clarke’s security guards appeared along with the paparazzi’s that soon almost blinded them with their flashes. They just couldn’t get a moment to say goodbye and kiss. They were rushed by the security guards and had to say a quick goodbye, and Lexa almost had an anxiety attack, because this was not how she imagined this goodbye, and she couldn’t help but miss the normal they experienced just a moment prior.

“I love you, I’m sorry” was all Clarke could say as Lexa stood there with her hands in her pockets and took a deep breath, as she watched Clarke disappear inside the airport. Lexa had forgot about the paparazzi, and the media and the magazines. They always had something to say about Clarke, and rumors were made, and Lexa tried not to believe them and only rely on what Clarke said was right and wrong. Now that Clarke was gone she was scared that she was going to believe the rumors. Sometimes the media got the best of her, and she sent a silent prayer for her to be able to ignore them, for her to get through these 4 months without getting too bad again.

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The first month had been easy, she made a hot meal almost every evening, she ate breakfast, went to bed early and drank her morning coffee. She was doing well at work, her students never stopped to impress and made her proud. She loved to be around young people, who loved the universe as much as she did, and she felt like she made Luna proud when talking about the moon. She went out with colleagues to get beer and drinks, she was being social and normal. She kept herself busy as she always did, because it made it harder for the bad thoughts to make it’s way into her consciousness. She would facetime Clarke almost every day. She would tell Clarke about everything she was doing, how she watched the sunsets and the moon, and explained how she missed watching the moonlight in Clarke’s eyes. Clarke would tell about her cast mates, show her snippets of the script and complain about how the producers sometimes got on her nerves. They would agree that they were doing well, and they would agree that they were proud of each other.

The second month was different, at least for Lexa. She had a hard time sleeping but managed to have her morning coffee make up for the loss of sleep. Clarke was getting busy, and the time difference made it hard to facetime, because they had started filming the movie, and when Clarke wasn’t filming, then she was so exhausted that she had to sleep. Lexa tried to be understanding and lived for the 3 long texts she would get, and the two 15 min facetime calls Clarke was able to squeeze in between sets during a full week. Sometimes Lexa would insist on seeing Clarke’s face and hear her voice, and they would talk until Clarke eventually would fall asleep. Lexa would say goodnight, so would Clarke before they hung up, though Lexa knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep, but she didn’t tell Clarke. Lexa knew that this was not like the other times Clarke was away filming, this felt too distant. Lexa would still socialize and go out with colleagues. Though when her colleagues went home at 1 AM after getting a few beers, she would tell them that she would stay and finish her almost empty beer, only to drink until 5 AM, and decide that it would be time to go home, because the sun was starting to set, and the birds sung her a lullaby. And she would sleep. She thought that drinking would make the time go faster, and she would get a better sleep. She would sleep, but not better, at least not as good as when Clarke was there with her.

The third month had broken her. Her hot meal for dinner was sometimes replaced with liquor, and she was not going out with friends or colleagues anymore. She had kept herself busier for 2 months than she was used to, and it was starting to wear her down, which made the alcohol more appealing, because it could sometimes dull it all. Weekdays went faster than weekends, because she had work, she had a duty, something she had to do. In weekends she preferred staying home, making lame excuses for not going out with friends. She hadn’t answered Anya’s calls, and she hadn’t heard from Clarke in 47 hours and 16 minutes. She tried to tell herself that there were only one more month left before Clarke would be home, and it would be Christmas, and they had traditions that she looked forward to and she had already bought Clarke’s present. The thought gave her that little sense of hope. It was going to be their first Christmas alone, just them, because all their friends would be out of town and Anya and Raven decided to celebrate Christmas in Asia.

As she sat on her couch, their couch, drunk and trying to find a bit of hope, her phone rang. It was Anya, and she decided that she wouldn’t be able to avoid any human contact anymore, at least she was not able to avoid Anya forever. She was not going to do this to her sister or Clarke. She was going to show them that she was able to get through it without getting too bad again. She tried to justify drinking, because she just needed that tiny bit to dull it all, not make her numb as she had found herself do earlier in her life when times were hard. 

“Hi” 

“Hey Lexa” 

“All set to leave for Asia?” Lexa said in attempt to remove all attention from herself, she knew why her sister called her, normally she would just text.

“Yeah, we are getting there” Anya replied in a rush. “So, how are you doing?”. And Lexa knew that Anya knew. Anya had this thing of knowing things. Like, she just knew.

“I’m surviving”

“Do you eat?”

“Yes”

“At least 3 meals a day?”

“Sometimes”

“I talked with some of your friends yesterday, they said you have been cancelling a lot of plans. That they haven’t seen much to you.”

“Oh, you know, just a lot of work stuff” She lied.

“I talked to Octavia as well, she drove past you this morning, she said you couldn’t walk straight” Anya confronted her.

“Anya…” Lexa tried, but she didn’t know what to say, or how to explain herself, because Anya knew, and her brain was too clouded from the alcohol.

“Lexa, are you drinking again?”

“Not like I have done before”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not numb, I’m coping”

“Lex, don’t do this to yourself, it’s been a while since you have used alcohol”

“Anya, I know you think that it sounds bad with the alcohol, but I take care of my job, and yes I don’t see my friends a lot right now, but my thoughts take too much of my energy, and I need to dull them. I only have one month left. The alcohol is taking the edge of it. Don’t worry, I have control over this, I promise”

“I’m coming to you, Lex”

“No Anya, don’t. I’m not going to ruin your holiday with Raven. If I do that, then I will get bad”

“I can’t leave knowing you are living like this”

“It’s not out of control, trust me, I’m not like I was, I’m not doing that. It’s only in the weekend”

“Just promise me you are going to call me if it gets out of control. I trust you, even though I’m not sure if that is the right thing to do”

“I’m sorry, for putting this on you.” Lexa tried.

“Don’t blame yourself, that will trigger you”

“I haven’t heard from Clarke in two days” Lexa said as she sunk deeper into the couch and stared blankly at the ceiling.

“Don’t let that get to you, she is busy. I’m sure it’s not because she doesn’t want to call you, but she is a new place and experiencing a lot of new things, so times flies by. The time is different for her than it is for you.” Anya was right. Lexa thought too much into it all because she was at home, doing the same things everyday as she always did while Clarke was doing something new and kept herself busy with filming and reading the script and all the other stuff you do when you are an actress who happens to be the lead character of a movie. Lexa would see everywhere that Clarke was missing in her everyday life. “You have to stay busy too, you have to do stuff because the silence might be getting to you”.

“It’s not always that easy, I’m used to staying busy with Clarke. I have been trying to stay busy, I did that the two first months, but it’s also exhausting.”

“I know”

“I will be okay, Anya”

“I know” Anya tried to convince herself. She had to trust Lexa. Lexa had never been better than she had after being with Clarke. “I love you”

“I love you too”

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

November was tough, but it was the first day of December and she was excited. Excited for Christmas and even more excited to have her girlfriend home again. Lexa was never that much into Christmas. She liked that it brought friends and loved ones together, but she never really found herself getting in the Christmas spirit. That was until she met Clarke. Clarke was that kind of person who put all her energy and creativity into holidays. She loved traditions and she had a lot of them, and it had to take some time for Lexa to get used to that. Lexa loved it though. She loved how her girlfriend would never miss out on any traditions, and she had succeeded in getting Lexa in the Christmas spirit, and it was a new kind of happiness she never imagined would be hers, or rather theirs. The thought of them celebrating Christmas alone for the first time made her survive Clarke being away without too much anxiety.

The anxiety came when she least expected it. Clarke was expected to be home December 21st, and today was December 1st, and she got a facetime call from Clarke. 

“Hey beautiful” Lexa said with a huge smile as soon as Clarke showed up on her screen.

“Hey, babe” Clarke answered, and Lexa sensed something in her voice and on her face, something was not right.

“Everything okay?” Lexa asked concerned.

“I don’t know. We had a long meeting today, about our schedule.” Clarke started. “We are behind schedule, and they haven’t told us until today, and if we don’t continue to shoot the movie over Christmas, we won’t make it”.

“What does that mean then? The movie won’t make it?” Lexa feared the worst but hoped for the best.

“It means I won’t be home for Christmas, I’m so sorry, I don’t know what to do”

“I hope you are joking”

“I’m not”

“And you just let them take that away from you, from us? You don’t have to stay, they can’t make you, it’s not a part of the deal”

“Lexa, you have no idea how much I want to be home for Christmas, you know that. It’s not about what’s the deal, because I have a contract on this movie, and the deal was to finish filming the movie” 

“It’s not fair”

“I know”

“And you are just okay with that?”

“No, I’m not okay with that, but there is not much I can do. We only have this specific location we are shooting at right now until January 1st, and if we don’t shoot over Christmas, then we won’t get some of the most important scenes in the movie. If I leave, I will ruin it all. I can not have that on me, it will ruin my reputation as well”

“Okay, so it’s all about reputation right now? This is not you Clarke. Tell me what’s really going on” Clarke didn’t expect that from Lexa. Why did she think that she was lying? She didn’t expect Lexa to be happy about the news, she did expect a bit of anger and disappointment, but nothing that she wasn’t able to handle, and she knew Lexa, she knew how to calm her down.

“Lexa, what do you mean?” Clarke was genuinely confused.

“I saw the article, on TMZ”

“What article, I haven’t had time to check up on any bullshit from the media. Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s nothing Lexa, don’t let them get to you, and don’t give them a reaction, because that’s what they want”

“It was about you and one of the producers. Something about having an affair”  
Clarke was speechless. Of all the things that the media could say about her, this was by far the worst and the least expected fucked up and untrue rumor they could have come up with. The fact that Lexa believed them bothered her even more. She knew that Lexa knew that she would never do that to Lexa, that she loved her so much and that no one was ever going to steal her heart, so the fact that they could make Lexa believe that made her alarm. Rumors sometimes got to Lexa, and that was in times where Lexa would be insecure. Clarke knew that the distance that she had but on them because of her being busy had an effect on Lexa, and she was putting two and two together and felt a big guilt creeping up on her.

“You know that it’s not true. I have no idea where they have that from” Clarke answered honestly.

“Were you talking shit about your producers to cover it up?” She could see the anger and hurt in Lexa’s face.

“Lexa, don’t let the thoughts get to you, you have to trust me, I can’t prove to you that I’m faithful other than telling you the truth, which is I love you more than I ever imagined I could love someone, and the media is bored and is making shit up to try to get a reaction and ruin you and us” Clarke was genuine and she looked right into Lexa’s eyes and she saw tears forming in Lexa’s eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Clarke” Lexa said as she tried to hold back the tears, but she just couldn’t, and she broke down, and she had to tell Clarke how she had been. She couldn’t keep it all in anymore. “I haven’t been doing as good as I wanted to when you were away. I have been isolating myself and felt myself getting bad. I started drinking more than I should, but I have control of it, trust me. I'm sorry for being a burden, you don't deserve this, I don't want to ruin this opportunity for you.”

“Lexa, it’s okay, you are not burden” Clarke comforted Lexa. “It’s okay to not be okay all the time, I didn’t expect that it was going to be easy. Please don’t let yourself fall down into a black hole again, I’m right here, and I’m very real which your thoughts are not, and I’m very much in love with you”

“When you said you wouldn’t be home for Christmas, it just made it all crash down, because that was the only thing that kept me sane and my head high” Lexa paused. “I’m so sorry for not telling”

“I’m the one who is sorry Lexa” Clarke replied. “The producers are going to fly you to Paris in January. They promised they would give me some time off in January as soon as they are back on schedule”

“Wait, what?” Lexa was confused.

“I will try to get you off from work, so you can come here, they said that it was the least they could do for taking Christmas away from us. We will have our own little Christmas here”

Lexa didn’t expect the bad news to take that kind of turn. She was devastated that they didn’t get to celebrate Christmas together at home, but the fact that she was going to Paris to see her girlfriend made it better and she wanted to promise herself and Clarke, that she was going to be able to survive until January.

“I don’t know what to say” Lexa said. Clarke gave her a small smile as she observed her girlfriend trying to take it all in.

“You don’t have to say anything. I’m so sorry for putting you through this. I promise we will facetime more from now on and you have to promise me that you will call if you get too bad” Clarke said. “You have to answer me honestly; will you be able get through this until January?”

“I will do my best”

“Call me if you have those thoughts, okay? Call me if anything is wearing you down, and call me whenever you feel like drinking a drink more than you should”

“I promise”

“I love you”

“I love you too”

And just like that they hung up, and Lexa just sat and tried to take it all in. It had been a long day and she was tired. She didn’t know what to feel. She was excited about going to Paris, even more to see Clarke. She was feeling a bit of anxiety with the thought of having to wait even longer than expected and to be alone for Christmas. She wanted to be good for Clarke and not be a burden and feel like she was stopping Clarke from doing what she loved. She wanted to tell Clarke how well she had been when she arrived in Paris. Lexa hadn’t always had anxiety. She got a depression when she was around 10 years old, and it left and came throughout leading up to her meeting Luna. Luna had been a big help, and she had never felt anything as strong as when she was with Luna. Luna made her calm, and they got a long well and could relate to each other on levels no one else could at that point in their life.

That was until Luna took her own life. In the start Lexa had blamed Luna. She had blamed Luna, because how could Luna be so selfish and leave Lexa alone with her thoughts?

Then she started to understand Luna, because life hadn’t always treated her well, not that she wanted to do what Luna did, just that she understood why Luna couldn’t exist. At the end of the day it was existentialism that killed Luna. At least that was what Lexa had concluded, because thoughts involving the meaning of life and each person’s purpose had filled their conversations. Luna had talked about not feeling fulfilled and like something in her life was missing. She talked about having yet to find the meaning in her life, and that sometimes exhausted her to think about. Luna couldn’t live with the fact, that everyone’s purpose was to get an education, a job, wife/husband, then a house and car and kids and a dog, go to BBQ’s with friends and family, and act like they were all happy and satisfied, when in reality they weren’t, and then die. She didn’t want to play pretend anymore, she was done with that. She saw jealousy in people, she sometimes felt it, and everything around her was constantly people trying to be better than others and something about being richer and more beautiful than others. That wasn’t appealing at all. Luna had talked about a new life and talked about the moon.

Then she moved on to blame herself, because what if she didn’t leave Luna that day to go to work, when Luna was having a bad time, and told Lexa she was going to be okay and she could go to work. Why didn’t Lexa listen to her gut feeling about something not being right. Why did she ignore that? Ever since that day she always listened to her gut because most of the time, it was right. That was when the anxiety took over. She didn’t blame Luna for the anxiety she was having, she wanted to show Clarke and Luna that she was going to be stronger than ever before.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, an update for you all! Sorry for the delay, it really wasn’t the intention for it to take this long, but life happens, so I hope it will be worth the while.
> 
> When I got the prompt I only expected it to be a one shot, but since you all seemed to like it, I wrote more chapters and this might be the last chapter, and yes I am a little sad about that, because I loved writing this fic, and I put a lot of thought and feelings into it. 
> 
> However, if you have any wishes, any suggestions for another chapter for example a wedding chapter or anything, then let me know and I will put it into consideration.
> 
> That was all for now, hope you enjoy!

Christmas was just around the corner and the weather had gotten colder, but California never really got as cold as Oregon. Still the city was filled with Christmas trees covered in fake snow and lights that lit up the streets. Every store was blasting the usual Christmas songs that you would hear at least a thousand times before Christmas was over and the employees looked like they were trying to win the Olympics in giftwrapping. The same stores and streets were also filled with people rushing from store to store to buy the last Christmas presents. Lexa just observed the many men and women and everyone in between stressing about the holiday coming up as she made her way down a familiar street to visit her and Clarke’s friend Lincoln. She was sure that those people never got in the Christmas spirit, and Lexa had to admit that she found herself having a hard time finding that spirit herself this year. It wasn’t that she didn’t try to get in the spirit. Yesterday she baked the Christmas cookies her and Clarke usually baked during Christmas, but all the tradition did was make her miss Clarke even more. The smell and taste weren’t enough to get her in the spirit. She had facetimed Clarke and showed her the cookies and the tree she had decorated, and Clarke was so proud and wished she was there to experience it.  
  
The thought about spending Christmas alone wasn’t as bad as it had been earlier. Her parents had offered flying her to London where they lived to celebrate Christmas, but she just didn’t have that close of a relationship with them. She just didn’t have that connection with them even though she heard from them occasionally. They found a new life, and It wasn’t that she didn’t care for them it was just that they lived very different life’s and she just couldn’t sit there Christmas eve and morning with her parents and pretend that everything was perfect. Just like Luna, she was tired of playing pretend. Her parents had always pretended that everything was perfect even when it wasn’t, and they just couldn’t see past their own nose and Lexa found herself constantly annoyed that they never faced problems with maturity. They ignored stuff, they ignored Lexa’s depression, told her it was just a phase and she just had to get over it. Her and Anya had started their own life after their dad got a job offer in London and their parents decided to go while they stayed in Oregon, and they were relieved that they got some sort of freedom from the confined space they found themselves in with their parents close to them.

  
Bellamy Blake, a friend of theirs, or more precisely a friend of Clarke, had invited Lexa to spend Christmas with him and his sister Octavia. She thanked no, because she never really liked Bellamy, mostly because she knew him and Clarke had a romantic past. Even though Clarke said that there was nothing between them, Lexa still had a feeling that Bellamy was not so over them, mostly because of the way he looked at Clarke and put his arm around her shoulders or waist sometimes. Clarke didn’t seem to notice Bellamy’s poor attempts, she didn’t think anything into it, but Lexa noticed, and she didn’t want to spend a holiday like Christmas in his presence.

  
“Anyone home?” Lexa said as she entered the penthouse apartment with a perfect view to the Hollywood sign and the mountains.

“Right in here” She heard a voice from the kitchen. Lexa followed the voice and found the big person in the kitchen, which was rare because he never cooked. He was an A-list celebrity just like Clarke, and rarely ate at home. Lincoln and Clarke had met on the set of a movie they both had important roles in years ago. Ever since they were seen hanging out off set, there were rumors about them dating, and they just laughed it off. They were all so used to the attention and the rumors, and Lexa thought that it might be a necessity to take it all lightly, to not let it get to you. Lexa was new in all this and had yet to learn that, but she was getting better, and she always had Clarke to tell her what rumors were real and what were bullshit. Lexa and Lincoln har just clicked as soon as Clarke introduced them, and Clarke loved to see them together. It was as if they were best friends in another life and finally met in this new life and they just felt like they must have experienced so much together in their past life. Clarke found that endearing, even though she once in a while got tired of their bullshit – in a good and loving way.

“Are you cooking?”

“Yeah”

“You don’t cook”

“Well, obviously I do” Lincoln said as a matter of fact as he looked around at the mess of an attempt to cook a proper meal.

“Well you don’t usually use a pan for-“ Lexa tried before being interrupted.

“Have a little empathy, Clarke made me do it, it’s all your fault”

“Why did she make you do it?”

“She wanted to make sure you got a proper meal”

“She worries too much”

“Well she does have a reason to worry sometimes”

“I’m better”

“I know” Lincoln said with a small smile “Now that we talk about Clarke” Lincoln said as he raised his brows. “Did you get it?”

“I did” Lexa said with a shy smile as she ducked into her coat pocket and fetched out a small neat black box. “I returned her other presents to afford it with my own money”

“Let me see” Lincoln said as Lexa walked around the counter and opened the box.

“Wow, you are really doing it, huh?”

“Yeah” Lexa said as they both stood and admired the ring with the beautiful diamond in the middle.

“Wow” Lincoln said as he blew a low and long whistle.

“I know” Lexa said not removing her eyes from the ring. “I hope this is the right thing to do”

“Why wouldn’t it be?” Lincoln asked confused as she observed his nervous friend.

“I don’t know, what if she says no? Or if it’s too soon?”

“Lexa, she is absolutely in love with you, and Paris? It’s a no brainer, she is going to be your wife” Lincoln said. “And besides that, you two moved in together pretty fast, so I don’t believe it’s too soon.”

“You are probably right”

“I am right” He said as they shared a smile.

The huge house in the middle of Hollywood was very quiet, and Lexa tried to break the silence by playing some Christmas music as she sat by the fireplace and observed the fire suffocating the air. The Christmas morning had been quiet, she thought that it maybe would have been nice to spend a Christmas alone after all. She was usually scared about being alone with her thoughts, but she had gotten a lot better than she had been after Clarke left because she knew she was going to Paris and see Clarke and she was going to confess her love for her in the most romantic way and most of her thoughts were about how she was going to do it, and how to make it perfect. That would be what Clarke deserved, Lexa thought that Clarke had been so patient with her and Lexa often found herself wondering how. Sometimes Lexa couldn’t handle herself, so how could another person? Clarke had told her that she would be able to facetime on Christmas eve for a short time, as there was a cast Christmas dinner planned for the cast that didn’t have anyone to celebrate Christmas with in Paris. She was supposed to call, but as she looked at the time in Paris, she knew that it was getting late for Clarke and Lexa finished her eggnog and decided to get some lunch. She thought that maybe it was too much to ask for, because Clarke was busy and had a dinner with the cast, until her phone went off and she saw it was Clarke calling.

“Hey pretty girl” Clarke said with the biggest smile as she saw Lexa’s face.

“Well hey, pretty girl yourself” Lexa said as she saw Clarke. She had full make up on and her blue eyes lit up like Christmas lights. “You look so good, all dressed up”.

“Wish I was in my onesie in your arms right now though” Clarke said earning a soft smile from Lexa.

“Me too. How is the dinner? Having fun?”

“Good food, okay company and a lot of wine” Clarke answered.

“You are drunk”

“Well I might be a bit tipsy” She said as she almost stumbled making her way away outside the loud restaurant, they were having the dinner at.

“Woaah, careful there” Lexa said with a chuckle.

“I’m sorry for calling so late, the time just flew by, and they kept filling my glass” Clarke said as she gave Lexa an apologetic smile.

“I’m just happy I got to see your face”

“Me too.” Clarke said as she tried to keep herself warm as it was freezing in Paris and she was standing outside in a dress with a lot of skin on display. “So how is LA?”

“Oh, you know, it hasn’t changed a thing since you left” Lexa said. “Christmas feels a lot different, without you here, but I’m doing good, better than I thought”

“Lex” Clarke started as she shivered when she was hit with a very cold breeze. “I’m so proud of you. You have no idea how proud I am that you are doing well. This has really been a test for us, especially for you, and I believe in you so much”

“Believe in me?”

“Yeah, I believe that you are the one. Well I have believed that for a long time, but you just keep doing these things and managing and making me proud and I just believe in you so much” Clarke tried. “I don’t know how to explain it”

“I love you” Lexa said because she didn’t know what to say. Lincoln was right, of course it was the right thing to do, at that moment there wasn’t anything that felt more right or real. “I can’t wait to hold you again, and smell you, and kiss you”

“And the dirty stuff?” Clarke said as she wiggled her eyebrows

“Oh god, don’t even get me started” Lexa said as she took a deep breath “I’m going to love the fuck out of you when I see you”.

“Oh yeah? So no time for romance, just getting right in my honeycomb once you see me?”

“Don’t use that word”

“My pee pee?”

“God, stop” Lexa almost insisted “That’s just worse. How old are you? 6?”

“Well I’m not sure if I’m too much into age play but who knows, I didn’t think I was into strap-on’s until I read that fic”

“I think it’s time for you to get back to the dinner, you are freezing your butt off out there”

“Care to warm me up a bit then?”

“Soon. I love you. Be good” Lexa said with a wink.

“I love you too, I’m always good”

“Sure”

The sun was starting to set but the city was still lit and alive. The holidays were over, a new year had started but nothing really seemed new in the city. It just moved on like it always did. Anya had gotten sick in Asia so her and Raven came home earlier than expected. It meant that Lexa wasn’t going to have to attend some dumb New Year’s party. Instead she spent the New Years with Anya and Raven in Boston. Boston was colder than LA, that was for sure. There was something about the city that reminded her of home, and she could see why Anya would want to settle there. It was kind of magical, it had a Harry Potter vibe over it, because the city was so old yet so alive with the many students and old buildings. She could really see how much Anya and Raven loved that city, and she could really see how much they loved each other. They showed Lexa around like the city was their pride and joy, and Lexa missed Clarke even more than she had at Christmas. Why? Because seeing Anya and Raven be so in love made her miss Clarke. Because being in this beautiful city for the first time made her wish that Clarke was there to experience it with her too. Because she just entered a new year and she didn’t have a beautiful blonde to kiss.

The holidays were over, and Lexa had finally reached the day she had been waiting for in months. She was on her way to the airport, and even though she was offered a private yet, she decided she wanted to be normal for a bit. After all she was just an ordinary small-town girl visiting her girlfriend in Paris, so she travelled with a normal airplane like any other normal person. She knew that she might have been recognized and there might have been paparazzi, but she couldn’t bring herself to care. She went through the airport fast, it was like there was a strong magnetic field taking her straight to Clarke. Clarke was going to pick her up in the airport in Paris, like any other normal girlfriend would do and Lexa was so excited for this kind of normal. It’s not like Lexa didn’t enjoy the luxury that the fame brought them, sometimes people even had the audacity to say that Lexa was only with Clarke for the fame and money, and that was far from the truth. She enjoyed the privileges, she enjoyed the parties as long as Clarke was there. What she hated the most was the attention and the rumors, and she just wanted to feel normal sometimes.

The last time she drove this way she was driving Clarke to the airport and it felt like years had gone by. Last time she drove this way she was nervous which she also was this time, it was just a different nervous. Last time was an anxious nervous, this time it was an excited nervous. She was going to see Clarke, and she had decided that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with Clarke and she was going to do just that.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The smell was so familiar and yet it was different. It was vanilla with a hint of macadamia nuts. She inhaled the scent one last time before she retreated and looked into blue eyes. She had missed her hugs and her scent, and she was so overwhelmed that it was all finally right in front of her again. Alive and well. The smell of Clarke in the sheets had disappeared too early for Lexa liking, but sometimes she would just get a hint of Clarke and it was enough. Now? Now she had it right in front of her again in all it’s glory, and god was it glorious? Lexa soon felt familiar lips on hers and she couldn’t help but smile into the kiss.

“God, I missed you” Lexa said.

“I can’t believe you are here” Clarke said as she looked Lexa in the eyes.

“Better believe it, because I am”

“Let’s get out of here” Clarke said as she grabbed Lexa’s suitcase and hand.

“Please” Lexa replied.

As they made their way outside the airport a ride was waiting for them. Clarke never let go of Lexa’s hand as they settled themselves in the car.

“I have a surprise for you” Clarke said as she leaned closer to Lexa.

“You know I hate surprises”

“This is a good one” Clarke assured her.

“I hope so”

“Trust me”

“I do”

As they reached the hotel they almost forgot to get out of the elevator at the right floor because they were so lost in each other. Clarke dragged Lexa towards her hotel room and told Lexa to go in first.

“I don’t know how I feel about this”

“Why?”

“I don’t know what’s behind the door, it’s very unsettling, Clarke”

“Don’t be so difficult” Clarke chuckled.

Lexa finally entered the door and was met with soft music and as she walked further into the room, she saw that the light was dimly lit and the floor and bed was filled with red rose petals, even some of them were put in the shape of a heart in the middle of the bed. The best of all though? The candles. The room was filled with candles, and that was the way to Lexa’s heart, and Clarke knew that, of course.  
It was cliché, the whole situation was cliché, but the moment was theirs, so she didn’t care. It was all very real.

“I’m so glad I didn’t burn down the hotel” Clarke said as she observed her girlfriend taking in the whole set up. “I contemplated whether or not to leave the candles lit, but I knew it would be worth it, to get this reaction”.

“It’s my favorite candles” Lexa finally looked at Clarke. “The smell, it reminds me of-“

“Our first time?” Clarke finished her sentence.

“Yeah, I was a mess” Lexa said as she looked back at the candles, giving Clarke a smile as she earned one back with a small nod. “Thank you, Clarke, this is amazing, I don’t know what to say.”

“I’m not done with the surprises” Clarke said with a smirk “the next is even better”

“I’m not sure you can top this”

“Just you wait and see. Why don’t you take a seat on the bed and I’ll be right back” Clarke said as Lexa took a seat on the edge of the bed and observed Clarke disappear into the bathroom as the door closed. Lexa felt like she was a teenager again. Her hands were sweaty because she kind of knew, kind of hoped for what was coming out of the bathroom, and she was not ready. They had got it on a lot of times, plenty of times, but this time was different, it had been a while, it was exciting and nerve wrecking, like it was their first time, and the familiar smell of the candles didn’t help neither. She remembers their first time, she remembers the smell of the candles she lit. It was the most romantic set up, but their first time was clumsy because Lexa was a wreck, but Clarke had told her she was cute, and they had laughed, and it felt safe and good. Before Lexa could get too lost in the memories, she heard the door to the bathroom open and what she saw was beyond her imagination. All Clarke was wearing was some red lingerie and it made Lexa speechless. Clarke stood a bit nervously as if waiting for approval from her girlfriend. She knew the silence from Lexa was a good sign, and she loved the idea of making her girlfriend so flustered that she couldn’t speak. She did a little swirl to give Lexa a full look on her, and she observed Lexa opening and closing her mouth as if her mouth wanted her to say something, but her brain wasn’t able to make the words towards the mouth.

“Soo…?” Clarke said as she took a few steps closer to Lexa.

“I’m the luckiest girl on earth”

“And why is that so?” Clarke said as she straddled Lexa on the bed. She felt hands on her hips pulling her closer, and moaned when Lexa gave her kiss on her neck as Lexa squeezed her hips.

“Because my nose is filled with my favorite candles, my eyes are looking at the most beautiful girl in the world and I have a set of really good butt cheeks in my hands” Lexa said with a smirk as she spanked and squeezed Clarke’s butt making her roll her hips into Lexa.

“You’re an idiot”

“An idiot who is going to make you see stars” Lexa said as she stood up lifting Clarke before laying Clarke on the bed with herself on top “All night long” She finished as she took off her shirt.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The week went by fast and they only had a few days left before Lexa had to go back to LA and teach the teenagers, and Clarke had to go back to filming and wrap up the movie. They had probably managed to see all of Paris together. Clarke showed Lexa her favorite coffee shop and the tiny book store on the corner on her favorite street. They did all the touristy things like seeing the Eiffeltower and Louvre. They visited museums and acted like they actually knew anything about history and it’s art. The only history they really knew were their own, and Lexa wanted to make history in their history.

“I may have a surprise for you” Lexa said as she pulled her girlfriend closer in the cold streets of Paris.

“You didn’t have to” Clarke asked as she looked at her girlfriend.

“But I did” Lexa said with a smirk.

“Where is the surprise?”

“You will see” Lexa said as they made a stop at a Vespa scooter rental service.

“That?” Clarke said with raised eyebrows and a huge smile.

“That’s not all of the surprise, but it will lead to the next”

“You are incredible” Clarke said as she gave Lexa a kiss. “I’m not sure if I can ride a scooter”

“I’m driving”

“I’m not sure if you can ride a scooter”

“Have a little faith in me”

“I do”

Those words. It made Lexa freeze for a second and she immediately felt the anxiety take over her. She knew she was going to propose sometime the next hour, she knew that if Clarke said yes, then she was going to hear those two words when they finally hear the wedding bells chime and it was all very real and she was scared even though she knew she had no reason to. Clarke was meant to be her wife and that was a fact, it was the universe and the stars that chose them, despite it all, it was them, it had always been them. Lexa finally came back to reality.

“Hop on” Lexa said as she sat herself on the scooter and helped Clarke to get comfortable. “Hold on tight, beautiful.

And just like that they were off to see Paris in a different perspective. The city was very much alive just like them, and it was a whole new feeling seeing what they had already seen with the cold air slightly stinging their exposed cheeks and the January wind in their hair. They could not not be happy, they couldn’t stop smiling. Lexa was not sure if this was what normal people did, maybe this was a little more seeking discomfort than other people might have liked, but it felt good, that was for sure.

They were slowly reaching the destination in which Lexa had the next surprise. Lexa stopped the scooter and helped Clarke off the scooter.

“I don’t know how you managed to find a quiet place with no one around with thee Eiffel tower in sight” Clarke said as she looked around the small park.

“I did some research” Lexa said as she guided Clarke to sit on the bench. “I brought some blankets”.

They wrapped themselves in the blankets on the bench while looking at the Eiffel tower until they were interrupted by a voice.

“Mrs. Woods?” A female voice said and they both looked at the man approaching them with a paper bag and two hot drink cups.

“Yeah, right here” Lexa said as she was handed the bag and cups. “Merci” she replied. Very proud that she managed to say a French word. Not like she was trying to impress the girl next to her, but she was kind of trying to impress her even though Clarke knew a ton more French words than Lexa will ever know. Clarke had also lived here for months, so she sure did have an advantage after all.

“Bon appétit” the woman replied with a smile before leaving.

“Wow, you have girls here in Paris to serve you

“A girl in every port, ain’t that the dream?” Lexa sked with a smirk as she gave Clarke one of the cups.

“You are an idiot”

“It’s how you like your coffee” Lexa said ignoring Clarke’s comment “A large, triple-shot latte with two sugars and a bit of cinnamon.”

“You are amazing”

“Much better”

“And also a bit of an idiot”

“There is a ton of macaroons in the bag”

“I’m taking it back, you are not an idiot” Clarke said as she took the bag and tasted one. “These are amazing”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, have one” Clarke said as she put one to Lexa’s mouth as she took a bite. Clarke waited expectantly for a reaction, and was very satisfied with what she got.

“Ok, that is pretty darn good” Lexa said surprised. Lexa was never really a fan of cake and sweet things in general, but she knew that Clarke was, so this was

“No forreal, who was she? How did you arrange this?”

“She’s a former lover” Lexa joked before taking a sip of her coffee, trying to hide her smile.

“No stop”

“I honestly just did a bit of research and found the highest rated bakery here and placed an order, and then got it delivered to this specific spot”

“I love this” Clarke started. “I love this coffee, I love this macaroon, I love you, I love this view and I just fuckin love this moment” Clarke said as she took a deep breath, closing her eyes to take it all in.

“I know”

“Can we stay here forever” Clarke said as she laid her head on Lexa’s shoulder.

“I wish. We can just stay here and have my former lover bring us food and drinks”

“You just ruined the moment”

“I’m actually not done with my surprises”

“You are too good to me”

Lexa stood up in front of Clarke before she got down one knee. Clarke was a little confused until she noticed the small neat box that Lexa had fished out of her coat pocket.

“I knew you before you even knew me” Lexa started. “I had fantasized about how my life would be with you before you even knew that I existed. When I first met you I didn’t ever think that I would be right here in this moment with you. Not even the wildest fantasies told me that I would be here. You came into my life and changed it. I know I haven’t been easy, I’m rarely easy, but still you stayed, and I don’t know how or why, but you stayed and that has to mean something.”

Lexa’s voice started to get shaky and Clarke was on the verge of tears. Lexa opened the box and revealed the ring.

“You are so special and I get more sure about you every day, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. So Clarke Abigail Griffin, will you marry me?” Lexa finished and before she could finish her sentence, Clarke was already hugging and kissing her, and saying “Yes” after every kiss to Lexa’s face.

“A thousand times yes” Clarke said “God, I never expected this, I love you so much”

“I love you too” Lexa said with the biggest smile she had ever smiled.

And at that moment the stars aligned, and the universe answered all the unanswered questions. Lexa knew that she was doing the right thing in that moment, because she wanted to experience this with the love of her life. Paris sure was a special place, and her fiancé was even more special.


End file.
